you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
