I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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