I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
