I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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