8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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