farters have to be the big spoon...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
