I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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