I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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