New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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