if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
