He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize