I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
being pregnant is like rehab
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Text me some of your sweat
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
