Kiss
Puke
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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