I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
