I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
