i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
