new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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