I swear she didn't look like that last week.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
