a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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