You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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