woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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