For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
