I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
