Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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