But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
