Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
