someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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