His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
