I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
