Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
