some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
And then my night got REAL pukey
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
