Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Randomize
