I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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