On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Little spoons don't ask big questions
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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