i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize