New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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