I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize