I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
