I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
be right there i have to get my cape
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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