I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
