how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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