Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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