can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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