Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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