Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This is my gift to your gina
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
