dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
