I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize