Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's rum buckets o'clock
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
