My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
