I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
please come you make the beer taste better
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
