she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize