I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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