remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
