I cannot find my penis.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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